Okay, so what's MS and whats it to me? I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis when I was 19. It basically translates into Many Scars. It means that my body is attacking its own nerve fiber covering which causes shorts in the system. So, my nervous system doesn't operate properly. As time goes on the damage changes. My body tries to repair it, nothing is as good as new. The damaged portions of my nerve fibers show up as white spots on an MRI, and they glow if they are currently being attacked. When I have an MRI of my brain done, I have all these white spots in my brain. It sort of looks like little pieces of the picture are just missing. So when I just cant seem to remember anything, I just joke that it must have fell out of one of the "holes in my brain". Sounds stupid, but sometimes making a joke out of your problems is a way to cope with it.
MS Really changed my life. I can think of little symptoms that I had in high school, early as 13 or 14. Blurred vision, unexplained muscle tremors, and vertigo. I just brushed it off because it didn't stick around long. But when I was 19 I had a huge attack. It was all I could do to walk. Oddly enough I couldn't keep shoes with no backs on my feet (like sandals). I couldn't feel anything from my navel down. It was the scariest thing. I would just be sitting there and suddenly a portion of my body went numb. One day my left leg was numb, later in the day the left side of my back suddenly went numb. I awoke the next morning and could barely get out of bed. Everything from just about my navel was numb. My right side was very weak. I had to concentrate and go so slowly while holding onto support to be able to walk. My speech slurred, my vision blurred, I could barely pee. I have to actually force myself to relax and contract the two muscle sets to make myself pee. A lot of times this makes me end up in tears. Going to the bathroom became a horrible embarrassing time in my life. Ive had accidents (thankfully at home - I would die if I wet my pants in the grocery store). I lost the contrast vision partially in one eye and significantly in the other. This means that I have a hard time telling the difference between similar types of reds and greens. There are those pictures made up of the dots that have red dots in the shape of a number and all the rest of the dots are blue. I remember when those were so obvious. How can you not see that? Well, now I cant with the one eye. With two eyes I can tell something is there, but I cant make out much of it. I had vertigo were I couldn't drive for almost a year. That is very difficult to not be able to drive when you are a homemaker.
Depression? Lord yes. Sometimes I think I'm doing well, but I guess I'm just hiding it all away. I don't have anyone to talk to about it. Before I found out I had MS I was well liked. I had lots of acquaintances and friends. I loved my job and was doing well and the coworkers/boss was great. Then I got slammed with the news that I had MS. I was so devastated. I went to work to try and get my mind off of it. Despite my one good friends advice, I decided that I wouldn't hide it from anyone. For maybe a month (to be generous) people were supportive, did sweet things, said encouraging things. But my problems with MS didn't go away, but their support did. Actually, I have to applaud my work. They were actually supportive longer than a lot of the people that I thought were my friends. In fact, one friend came over the day after I was diagnosed. I lived in a basement apartment at my mother's and step father's house. I was crying and depressed. I told my friend that my doctor told me I had MS. He stayed and didn't say much for a short while...then he told me that he didn't think that God wanted us to be friends. And he left me alone to cry. Several friends just stopped calling. So when work stopped being supportive and understanding, I felt I had lost so much. I felt like everything I knew was slipping away.
Slowly I began to be able to walk a bit better, only with a small gait difference. It was then that I meant my future husband standing on the sidewalk while I was on my way with a friend, Katie, to Starbucks. He was standing there with his brother and law. They were yelling and talking to people on the sidewalk around them. I thought, oh please...don't look over here.... We walked past him and he gestured in my direction and said "Heyyyy! I'm single!" I was a bit surprised and simply nodded slightly and said "Well, that's good..." and scurried off. After helping Katie study at the coffee shop, we started heading for my car so I could take her home. Suddenly I realized that we were going by them again. Katie wanted to stop because she was so interested in the odd men. I begged her not to stop. I was a bit scared of them. That is so funny to think of that now. I was scared of the man that would become my husband. He tried to talk to me but he realized that I was not interested. He told his brother in law to leave us alone because I wasn't interested. But good old Katie. She is so stubborn. She was asking them all sorts of silly questions. I'm not sure exactly why, other than it was Gods doing until he opened my eyes. Katie talked us into going to a local Irish pub. It was there while we watched the live Irish music and the dancers that I saw him differently. He was much calmer and we actually had a great conversation. He wanted to call me, but I was still a bit wary that he might be a nutcase. I gave him my work number and told him to call me at a certain time. The boys walked us back to my car. When we got to my car, he asked me if he could have a kiss. I was embarrassed. I didn't know him, and hadn't decided who he was. I told him no. He smiled and said "I can wait." I tried not to think if he was going to call me or not. He called exactly when I told him to. I believe he was as equally surprised as I was. We arranged a date to meet downtown in a couple days. I had a wonderful time. We just walked along the waterfront and talked (I mostly listened). After much time, we went back to his house for a movie. Really, I was having so much fun with him, that I just didn't want to go home. So he invited me to spend the night. He was clear that he didn't expect anything - he just didn't want me to leave either. I agreed.
I climbed into his bed in his tee shirt and a pair of his boxers and snuggled the blankets around me. He walks into the room and says "I hope you don't mind that I sleep commando," swoops off his boxers and hops into the bed. It all happened so quickly. I lay there rigid and bug eyed for a couple minutes. I just wasn't comfortable. So I told him that I didn't have the stuff that I needed to stay the night and get ready for work. Then I dashed out the door before he could convince me to stay (yes, I dashed out in the boxers).
He called the next day and I came over again. Then I was comfortable to stay the night and that he really didn't expect anything. My mom jokes that I went over there one day and just never came back home. I was away from him when I went on a trip with some friends that I had planned months before I met him. We all went to Vegas for three days. It sounds sappy, but that was so hard to be away from him. I was only away from him one other night. I had gone to the sweetest lady I know, Jean, and stayed at her house so that I could think about things. (I should mention that my husbands name is Mike) Mike and I had gotten into a huge argument. His angry words were very devastating to me. I thought things through and new I loved him and he loved me. Months after that, he proposed to me and we went to Vegas to get married. We just couldn't see all of our family getting together for a merry wedding ceremony. So, lets save the money and go to VEGAS! It was great! Stayed at the Luxor and we took a helicopter ride into the canyon and landed on a plateau for a picnic. It was beautiful. The sun was setting. The canyon was spectacular. I wish I had a real camera then. We flew over the Vegas lights at night on the way back. It was very memorable. No we didn't have Elvis marry us. We had a simple ceremony. My mother and step father came to witness and enjoy Vegas with us.
As soon as we got back into town, I didn't even make it into the house, I started vomiting on the lawn. I was pregnant! Thus began the saga of being pregnant for three years. So, Mike's daughter, another blue eyed daughter -Emily, first son -Joseph, and now the baby boy -Ethan. That pretty much hit the fast forward button through the gross stuff of being sick with hyperemesis. (I threw up until the babies came out). Oh, and as for the friend thing, when you get married - you lose some more. When you have a baby - you lose some more. So I have one, two , three , four. Those are the real friends. Through thick and thin.
So basically now, my life goes on. My MS has left me with a crooked smile (some numbness that especially makes me drool when I eat an ice cream cone...), bladder problems, intimate problems, blurred vision (sometimes painful), poor balance, terrible memory (I use to never have to study), slurry speech, cognitive problems, sometimes I just cant get a word out, vertigo, fatigue, muscle tremors/weakness, hand and finger numbness. And don't forget the depression. The medicine adds to that also. Its a side effect - not like it wasn't there already, but maybe that's why the depression isn't gone? This list changes everyday. Sometimes is shorter. Sometimes its longer.
Hmm. I should go to sleep now. Enjoy some before the kids wake up.